Travels

Last night I dreamed of peace

2009-03-02T01:44:00.000-08:00

The above is a diary written by a Vietnamese communist martyr, Dang Thuy Tram.

It is a simple diary that contained hopes, loves, lost love, aspirations, dreams and vendetta. She was killed during an American ambush at the jungle clinic she was working in. She was a trained doctor that went into the jungle for the call of her country and her love, M.

As I was reading the book, I was touched by her innocence, her determination, and her tenacity. She was a person who believed in the ideals of communism, and capable of love and forbearance. I must add though she sometimes could confuse with what is romantic love and brotherly love, with ideals and realism. But, she died believing and hoping for her country and love ones.

I was thinking if I put myself in the context, communism becomes christianity, and the enemies become the trials and storms of life, will I still have the idealism and her hopes and tenacity to go through life's trials and tribulations?

Why do I feel so attached to her? Why only in times like these I do come back to God? Am I 'making use' of God?

Discouraged

2009-03-02T01:29:00.000-08:00

It can be quite discouraging with so much unpleasantness in life... for how long is this going to last?

Weekend

2009-03-01T04:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wonder whenever Sunday is here, I am anxiously, desperately, and eagerly looking forward to the next weekend... oh how vexed and frustrated I am!

Started praying

2009-02-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

Started praying and reading the bible again, after such a long time and much prayers from the greatest people around!

I still have my stance, my thinking, my doubts, but may His grace and love encompasses me till the rest of my life. For if He can forgive my sins, He can forgive my doubts and unbelief. O' doubting Thomas, doubting wei!

Rain

2009-02-28T06:08:00.000-08:00

Rain,
It arouses such a feel within me,
Never a sunny day could do to me,
A feel of homeward longing,
A longing for my life that supposed to be.

But, when the rain stops,
All I have is the cold cruelty
Of reality.

The Donkey (III)

2009-02-26T01:52:00.000-08:00

I laid on the hay and started observing my new surroundings. The hut looked bit worn, and the wooden planks were warped. But, I loved the way the sun shined in through the small holes and gaps in between the planks. It kind of warmed my heart and spirit, as the moment Balaam left, I was filled once again with loneliness and the feeling of being lost.

I was reminded how alone I was, without my mother and the master who delivered me from my mother's womb.

Then, they started coming, one by one.

"Look, we have a new mate!"

"Yeah, so what? He will also be forgotten like me."

"Oh, how nice, how sweet! He looks so innocent and lovely, doesn't he?"

The rooster was the first to arrive. Later, I would learn his name was Paul. The melancholic comment was made by the goose; her name was Geraldine.

I looked at them curiously, "Where am I?"

"Oh this is the house of Balan. The boy who brought you here was Balaam," explained Pauline, the hen.

"Why are you telling him so much?"

"Oh, Paul, don't be like this. Can't you see he's new here? We ought make him feel welcome. He will be with us for a long while."

"Yeah so? I have enough problems and I am not here to entertain him nor be his caregiver."

I looked at them, and wondered if they were talking about me. They must be, from the glances they stole on me as they were exchanging. I started to feel unwelcome and could only wallow deeper into the hay below me.

"Hmmm it's alright. I will learn to take care of myself," I said to stop the heating exchange.

They looked at me, and "Look, it's all your fault! You're scaring him!"

The rooster stormed off but not before exclaiming that it was not his fault and I am not his duty.

"It is alright. I will take care of you and show you around."

That night, as I laid on the hay to rest and even Paul was fast asleep, I was set thinking. Perhaps, this world is not all sun and rays after all. I had no more mama, and was set into this new place. On my first day, I had already experienced rejection and the coldness of the world. Could this be what my life laid in front of me?

Then, like the stars shining above me, I remembered how Pauline nudged me and showed me around Balan's farm. A donkey following the hen, pace by pace, mesmerised by the new things at the farm. Some of them made me felt so welcome.

I knew though the world may be cold and with its fill of inward-lookingness, there is a tinge of warming love. There were always some people out there whom would still care to make somebody happy and warm.

I knew then I would never walk alone for I remembered Balaam singing into my ears, "God is with me..."...........

The Donkey (II)

2009-02-25T02:39:00.000-08:00

That was how it goes, I went from one master to another. From the loving embrace of my mother to another strange world. I was brought to a small hut with some hay by the side and low walls that I can gazed at the clouds on this morning.

The boy, Balaam, was still with me and was all smiles. I rested on the hay and remembered I could not feel a thing in this new place. I was taken away from familiarity and a mother's warmth to a strange place. What was my feeling? Yes, it was fear. Fear of the unfamiliarity, fear of what lies ahead, fear of the unknown.

"God is with you;
God is with me;
God is with all of us;
Around us, everywhere," he sang softly into my ears. As he sang, I felt at peace on that sunny morning.

I may still felt fear then, but a quiet confidence arose in me, as he sang, it was an assurance to my heart that even without my mother beside me, things will be alright. At the very least, I have clean and warm hay to lie on.

The Donkey (I)

2009-02-24T01:55:00.000-08:00

I remembered it was a long time ago.

A time before Joshua conquered and declared Canaan as the land flowing with milk and honey for the children of Israel.

He first saw me at the market. I was born a few days before, and was fascinated by the noise and flair of the market. There was an old man selling clay pottery beside me; a girl calling out 'Bread! Bread!'; and, many people busy about their businesses and transactions all around me.

Being my first time in the market, this is all very new to me. The sights, the sounds and the smells fill my being.

I did not know that he was looking at me, till my master nudged me forward to him.

He looked at me; I looked at him.

He had a ruddy face, with curvy hair and bright brown eyes. He smiled at the man beside him; whom I presumed was his father. I did not know whom my father was but with the intensity of feelings communicated from their eyes; I could only presume that.

"Dad, yes, I want him!"

My master smiled, and quoted a price for me.

"Alright, my son loves this kid. I will take it."

My mother was just beside me. I looked back and seemed to see a tear in her eyes. I was just born, and overwhelmed by the new things around me in the market. I did not understand why there was a tear on that sunny morning.

Looking back, now I know, after the ups and downs. I would never see her again. Words cannot describe how much I missed her; the tenderness, and care that I would never basked myself in. Sometimes, late in the night, I wondered if she thinks of me, misses me after I was gone.

There, I was, pulled by the boy, through the market, along a dusty path into his house.

Later, I would learn, his name was Balaam.

No one to turn to but Him

2009-02-23T02:48:00.000-08:00

When hope is lost,
When you are lost
In the fog.

And, there is no one to turn to except
Him.

Is it an act of desperation
Or,
An act of need?

Will He hear your cries?

What is the way?
When will the fog clear?

Big bump on my head

2009-02-23T02:06:00.000-08:00

Today, I passed by a nostalgia place.

I spent two years of my childhood there. In Singapore, we call it kindergarten which is two years of pre-school education. I was there from age five to six; impressionable and innocent times of my life. I made alot of friends, and also had many brushes with bullies.

One memory stands out from the rest of them is when I was about six. I was playing at the swing, minding my own business when the swing knocked me down. The next moment I was bleeding from a bump on my head. I remembered that there was no pain. All I remembered was being sent to the teachers, who applied first aid on me and packed me home.

The shirt that I was wearing was filled with droplets of blood from my forehead. The other thing which I remembered was how thick the blood was and I even joked with the teachers that I have tomato ketchup on my head and shirt.

That was one memory I will never forget all my life. I have had many falls these years, but none was as bad as that.

Show me the way

2009-02-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

How do you find your way back when you have ventured so far away? Far away from the point of origin?

When you have lost your bearings; when the sun has set and with darkness all around?

In the darkness, the still small voice keeps nudging at you. No matter how much mistakes and rebellious straying you have made, that voice never ceases to hunch you home.

Where is home? And, where is the guiding beacon to show you the way?

A smile

2009-02-18T02:20:00.000-08:00

Do you know what is the most beautiful thing in this world?

A smile.

A smile that radiates from eyes that adore; glistening with hope for tomorrow; flows from the heart to you; without pretenses and strives ... when the only thing that matters is you.

A smile from your love - that is, the most beautiful thing in the world.

Breakthrough

2009-02-18T02:09:00.000-08:00

I admit! I confess!

I am not the writer I always wanted to be, not even close. I love to write in a manner fitting of Paul Theoroux; expressive, vivid, engaging and simplicity of layers.

You may not like the way I write now. In fact, I find my writing abhorred too. There are too many gaps, too much breaks to the flow, and not much vocabulary. I cannot go on with this too.

I believe the break is linked with my own inner being. My thoughts are all in a whirl of mess now; they cannot seem to settle down nor quieten down. When I write, it is like thousands of voices in the background crying for prominence. I used to write better than this.

What happened?

One thing I know, before I can move on in my writing, or even in my life, I need a settling of my debts, of my thoughts, of my soul. Like a homecoming pigeon, bringing good news on its beak, homecoming of the soul to where I am.

I remembered

2009-02-17T02:08:00.000-08:00

It was many years ago.

I could remember as vivid as if it happened yesterday. I was walking down the aisle of this old chapel of the old Salvation Army HQ in Singapore. Never before have I felt this, it was the closest to the light of the tunnel I ever experienced.

It fell on me gentle as the touch of silk at first; then like waves in the seas, it came on stronger and stronger with every step I closed in. Not near to the cross of the chapel, I stood frozen, unable to inch forward.

There was no light, no angel, no hallowing 'My son', no trumpet sounding. But, it was as real to me as the pews beside me, the cross in front of me. I froze.

Under the cross. In the presence of this God that I worshipped. All hands stopped, and thoughts lost in this wondrous maze of being I felt.

I remembered Enoch' the man who walked with God and was not. Am I?

"Whey Zongwei, let's go," bellowed Petrie outside the chapel.

* * *

Some years later.

Hanging inverted, tubes inserted into my veins like a freakish medical experiment. The doctors were there on the brink of a great discovery, of a wondrous subject they had found! Oh how delighted they were.

Me? I was helpless and wondering for goodness sake what the hell was I doing there!?

Oh yes, I remembered I was recommended to the cardio specialist at the hospital after some fainting spells. But I was losing consciousness as each second went by.

I could still hear the voices of the nurses and the doctors. But I was losing control, and fear did not crept into me... fear enveloped and swallowed me like a hungry lion on the prowl. I could feel the stiffening of my muscles, of my nerves, but I was aware of all these happening inside me.

"I am dying, I must be."

"This is not a freaking test! This is murder."

"Here I am being tested and examined, and I am to die this day."

Perhaps, the nurse who was watching the monitors did not notice the rapid slowing down of my heart beat because it was ages before she shouted out to the doctor. I could remember the bells sounding.

The doctors quickly rushed in and put me down, removed the tubes, and injected the exlir to me..

I was revived.

* * *

I remembered the stiffening as a witness to a crime.

I remembered the froze experience as real as the keyboard in front of me.

They were real, not something abstract, and yet so identical. I have died twice, and now am still breathing. Perhaps, death is nothing actually.

Nothing actually, it is living that is scarier. Living through the sorrows, the sins, the pains.

Bird of Prey

2009-02-16T04:57:00.000-08:00

Circling high above the skies,
The hawk went a searching,
Searching as she should
For, bird of prey.

Prey.

Pray, for the soul who
Went a searching,
Yet, never lost a prey,
But, lost to herself
In the deep silky
Blue.

I ain't a hero

2009-02-16T04:49:00.000-08:00

"I give up! I quit! Never, will I face these shit again! I can't take it anymore!"

These are repetitions of words going through my mind all these while. I am just glad that at this moment, I went through much. I came, I saw, and I moved on. A winner is someone who looks into the fear straight in the eyes and grit his teeth, and bash it through.

I do not dare to say I am such a winner. I am just an ordinary person who goes through day by day, learning to overcome the problems plaguing me. Will you think of me as a hero again?

Just another soul searching for his bright shining star.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-15T00:54:00.000-08:00

To those whom are curious and afraid to ask:

This is how I spent my Valentine's day..

1) Swam twenty - five laps of alternate breast stroke and front crawl

2) Has chicken cutlet with spaghetti at Banquet food court and to top it up with a smooth iced mocha

3) Had packet of fried hokkien mee and a big pack of Lay's potato chips (Babrbequed flavoured)

Now, there, it is. An interesting Valentine's day.

Imagination

2009-02-15T00:38:00.000-08:00

I have this nagging fault.

My mind is like one big cell of energetic, jumping, relentlessly hyperactive atoms. I vast from one end to the other as evident in my many conversations with my friends. I love what Lydia said this of me; it can be either a good thing or a bane. It takes patience and great comprehensive skills to grasp the gist of my thoughts during my conversation.

I guess it derives from my unsettled frame of mind since young. I am always curious and imaginative. Once many a times, a teacher even has to pull me down to earth because my essay were filled with fantasies and imaginative consignments. It takes a great deal of courage and effort to conceptualise the scenarios in my essay, I would love to tell him.

My childhood ambition. I loved to be a sailor in the Navy, a successful businessman, or even a famous politician. But the only ambition that I held close to my heart since young, was to be a writer. I love painting using not palettes or canvas, but words. Black and white - the simplicity of the magic of a world unseen and unheard. Stories that stretch the boundaries, where reality is conquered and subdued.

A place where I could breathe, run and be in my being. A place where my mind, for the vastness of it, is the background. A place where scenes after scenes are being played out. A place where reality is barred.

Perhaps, I am just a simple person, with dreams unfulfilled, and whom I find completion and realisation in this world of no boundary.

So, friends, the next time you converse with me, please understand you are having a conversation with a person who lives in a magical world that vasts from end to end.

Josiah Seah (Part 2)

2009-02-15T00:33:00.000-08:00

At last, I met Josiah Seah!

What a cute baby he is; with a high forehead, and has a what a fortuneteller would say, an auspicious look. He has a rather high nose bridge, so I could not decipher whether he looks like Clara or Gui Cheng.

But, I wish him grace, strength and wisdom to face the world ahead of him. Always stay curious and stretch his capabilities for the world is boundless to those whom dare venture forth.

Valentine's day

2009-02-13T23:56:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day - a day to celebrate love, sharing, caring and commitment.

But come this day this year, I am in a spectrum of weariness and great anticipation. Bizarre combinations of emotions, yet it is true.

Weary - as one ages, one grows weary and tired of a lot of things. Some label it as the mid-life crisis. Funny thing is I have this weariness all around me since God knows when. I am dead sure it is not mid-life crisis. I have not been a successful person, I dare say. In school, no matter how great my prelims were, I seemingly fail to achieve satisfactory grades. In work, no matter how lofty my aspirations were, I seemingly fail to achieve corporate success. In life, no matter how hard I tried, I seemingly failed to be the person I always wanted to be.

Yes, I am tired.

It is going to be a difficult phase of my life ahead as the work I am in may slipped away from me with one careless step. A precarious thing to discuss about work on line; so I will just leave it as that. Like what I have shared before, no rational girl will want to stick on with a person who cannot provide the basic security. And, I cannot.

This is one thing I have accepted and though it does not mean I will not carry on harder, I know about the fragility of things ahead of me. I have grown accustomed to the idea that I may be alone for the rest of my life. I will nonetheless try living a life that is worthy of me.

Anticipation - well, though I left the last paragraph as it is, I do hope to be able to live and share my life with a soul-mate who understands my fragility and willing to go through it with me. But anticipation is just another form of hope, sometimes it will fail. Anticipation makes the heart weary. It comes a full circle - anticipation and weariness though poles apart, they are just one end tied to the other.

It is Valentine's day, and though I may be alone, I am moving on.

Playing with Tic-tock cock

2009-02-12T01:30:00.000-08:00

Tic-tock,
So the clock goes,
Little by little,
The sands gravitate
In the slender
Hourglass.

Tic-tock,
So the thoughts run,
Bit by bit,
The mind whirls
In the chaos and
Cries.

Tic-tock,
So what do I have to
Face today?

Tic-tock,
So where has my
Fortune gone?

Tic-tock,
Tic-tock,
Tic-tock,
So the story goes.
And Humpty-dumpty
Fell from the great wall.

And, what a great fall it was.

Best Looking person on Facebook

2009-02-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

It is strange when some one comes up to you on Facebook and nominated you as one of the best looking persons. It is all the more bizarre when the recipient is me.

Since young, I was never the popular one. All the girls that I approached during adolescent rejected me - note, I said ALL the girls. So, it does set my mind thinking, what is the world's criteria on being 'best looking'?

A few words came up to mind:
a) handsome
b) charming
c) nice build
d) tan
e) nice smile
f) tall
g) hunk
h) charismatic

Other than having a barbecued tan, tall, and perhaps a nice smile, I think I failed miserable on the rest. Thus, I decided to turn down whatever her good intentions may be.

But, I still appreciate her nice thoughts and intentions... oh, should I say a 'him' now? (I will leave that aside for now)

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

2009-02-10T02:43:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU

Now, here's another song by Rascal Flatts. For those whom I hurt, and bury deep in my heart during the season of love.

SDU-SDS

2009-02-10T02:27:00.000-08:00

Love is once again in the air!

And, my oh my, was I surprised to receive an invitation from SDU-SDS. What in earth is that? It is an initiative created by Singapore's government to improve marriage figures and ultimately birth rates. Apparently, we are not producing enough (when I type this, why do I feel that we are hens to produce eggs... and for whom?).

Yes I am coming thirty-four in June. And, yes I do worry about my future - if I should spend the rest of my life alone and lonely. But, I am not desperate. Given that my best pal got hitched and married through SDU, and now a happy dad, I am just not ready to appear in a party and just get hitched in an instance.

With the rising cost in Singapore, the buck falls on the man and the woman. But tradition still rules that the woman will look for someone that she can rely on and trust on. Is not love built on trust? I am not a philosopher; the point is this I have a job, not a career. Ever since I lost my dreams, I am just floating through in a job. I know with my job, I will not be able to support a family. Not a house, not a home, not a car, not another person.

That is the reality, and yes it bites hard.

Intentions, good intentions, can only go so far. When reality hits, stomach growling, roof leaking, and baby crying, that will hurt. I will be fortunate indeed if I have somebody who understands and going through all these with me, believing and trusting.

But, after failing so many with my good intentions, I think I will give it a miss. It is better for one to walk the path less travelled, than to let reality tear and destroy that which is good and lofty - love.

Now, where has my love gone? Where art thou, my dreams?

Alex and Melvin

2009-02-07T00:29:00.000-08:00

Alex has left for his work in Shanghai; Melvin has left for St. Lois and will not be back till next year probably. They are the two friends that I still keep in touch with since primary school days.

Almost every Saturday, we will without fail meet at Melvin's house and proceed to the library. Our short excursion will be rounded at Funworld, Parkway Parade. Sometimes, I remember we will be at Melvin's place and play either Pacman or The Quest. Melvin's mom cooked the best pancakes with sausages in the whole world! Yes, I remembers Melvin's pet, tortoise.

Sometimes, 'Flash' and 'Sun Dog' will join us too. But Mel and Alex are my closest buddies since then.

Now, each of them successful in their lives at work and relationships. I cannot help but feel a tinge of being lost and alone.

But, it will be okay. Emotions are so fickle. One moment you feel alone and lonely, the next you feel exhilarated, the next you feel excited. Lost and loneliness will be gone before I know it. I know it will... life just moves on. I'm moving on.

Money

2009-02-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

"Bro. Money is not everything. Health, family and friends."

I love it when my long time friend said this to me. How sweet the words of truth sound.

However, looking deep down into myself, I am filled with doubts if I could live out those words. It is well said that money is not everything; money, nonetheless, is the fuel that powers every day existence. Without money, I will be worrying for my next meal.

Without money, I will not be able to provide for my family. Without money, I will not be able to settle down (Now, I am thinking too far ahead!)

So, you see, money is needed everywhere, every time.

If I have money, I will be able to get health insurance, enrol into a fitness workout, get regular medical checkups. If I have money, I will be able to provide for family especially retired parents. If I have money, I will not be the one being treated every time I go out with friends. At the very least, I could treat them from time to time. I will at least get my life going.

Money, money.
It is not everything, but much depends on it.

Playing with words again

2009-02-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

He was stunned a moment. He looked at the back of the person sitting in front of him.

"Could it be? Could he be?.. No, it just couldn't be. He went for work today in shirt and pants, but the one before me is wearing a tee," Jason thought, with a deja vu tinge. There were often times like these where his soul seemingly trying to communicate to him, like a friend to a friend.

The person sitting in front had the same hair cut, the same built, and even the same ear lobes, as his brother. For a moment, Jason felt that he maybe in a time wrap. He had gone back in time to redeem himself. He knew that his brother could not be on the bus; his brother was working.

Just as the deja vu feeling came upon him, he was whelmed by a feeling that he could really be in a time wrap and gone back in time. And, just what time, what year would it be? Could he have controlled his emotions better? Could he have not been rash with his decisions? Could he not have hurt his love ones? Could he have lived his life better now, on hindsight that what could have happened?

How will things be different?

For a moment...as the surroundings, the road works, the signage, the bus that he was travelling on brought Jason back into reality. This is still 2009. There was no time travel to redemption.

He looked closer as the person turned his head. "No, he's not my brother," he noticed. Deja vu dissipated. He is back to reality; he did not go back in time, he did not have the chance. "Perhaps", he thought,"time travel is for sci fi only and for people like me can only live on the word 'if'."

Playing with words again

2009-02-05T02:53:00.000-08:00

He's standing,
With curtains drawn
Long casting shadows
Speaks of
Dusk near and the
Darkness about to envelope

He's standing,
The waves beating
Stronger and stronger
Each every time
Subduing the storms within

He's standing,
Now,
All alone
No one to turn to
Back in the room
Shadows,
Demons,
Nightmares,
And, dying each
Passing moment.

One word

2009-02-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

RESIGNATION

There, you have it;
It sums it all up.
To the things that come and may
In my life.

How beautiful one word sometimes can be.

Simply words

2009-02-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

All quiet in the night
Lying on my bed,
What I could do
Was to imagine what could have been,
While the darkness gives way to light.

Streams flow and the phoenix awaits
To break free and soar into the light.

Judas Iscariot

2009-02-04T00:23:00.000-08:00

It was such an irony; the one beside me was reading the bible religiously while me, reading C.K. Stead's 'My name was Judas'. What a cynical unbeliever to be curse in the flames of Hell, I am!

Instead of Judas who died hanging on that cursed tree, 'Judas' hid amongst the Greek community in Sidon with a new name, Idas. Instead of Judas who came into the later picture of the Gospels, 'Judas' grew up with Jesus in Nazareth and was close to each other's family and play-mates. Instead of Judas who betrayed Jesus, 'Judas' was the rational one in the twelve disciples.

Instead of Judas being the devil, 'Judas' was being ostracized by the rest of the disciples because of his humane rationalism towards Jesus. Instead of Judas' running away after the betrayal, 'Judas' stayed with Simon Peter and witnessed the crucifixion, fled Jerusalem due to much grief of what happened to his childhood friend and teacher.

'Jesus' became the teacher of truths and capable of human emotions in the story. 'Jesus' became the leader of the poor and the weak. 'Jesus' left Nazareth, never to return after their dismissal of his claims of being the Christ. 'Jesus' became one whose focus was teaching the truths of God and not miracles, though many claims of healing and miracles.

Of course, this is a fictional work. But, it is challenging, fun, urbane and brilliant as Spectator commented on CK Stead's work. It paints another picture of what could have actually transpired during those thirty three years of Jesus' life, teachings and works on earth. No one can be sure now as the first Gospel, Gospel according to John the Apostle, was written many years after the death of Jesus.

One thing for sure is Jesus' teachings on God's kingdom that have lasted two millennium. He came not to destroy the Word, but to complete the Word.

Word - according to men's interpretation or God's word as it is?
(Disclaimer: This is only a fictional book offering an alternative sight of what may have happened; above is just short surmise of the book and some of my thoughts)

STAND - Rascal Flatts

2009-02-03T02:11:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm8711y6ILU&feature=related

Stand

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you’ve lost your fight
But you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

Chorus
‘Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
‘Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you’re given before it’s gone
And start holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on

Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place – yeah

Yeah then you stand – yeah

Yeah, baby
Woo hoo, Woo hoo, Woo hoo
Then you stand – yeah, yeah

'Punish himself even more'

2009-02-03T01:38:00.000-08:00

"A lot of people run a race to see who is the fastest. I run to see who has the most guts, who can punish himself into exhausting pace, and then at the end, punish himself even more."

STEVE PREFONTAINE

This is one of my favourite phrase from Runner's World.

In the end, it is not just about finishing the first. It is about pushing one's limit, and I love this 'punish himself even more'. Giving that 100% is not enough; giving your whole self is, giving that extra counts.

That's what I have been doing to myself; swim that five more laps, run that extra metres, lift that more repetitions. Punish myself even more.... or, perhaps, running away from the staleness and failure life.
Now, am I?

Josiah Seah

2009-02-03T01:23:00.000-08:00

'Xiao Niu' - Josiah was born unto the Seah family yesterday afternoon at 3.47pm.

I am so excited for my friend, perhaps one of the very few who spoke truth into my life. He will be starting his new phrase in life being a father. I would think that parenting is like growing and pruning a tree so that it may bear fruits. It takes commitment, guidance and instruction as a teacher to a student for knowledge to be passed on. Knowledge of not just in the head, but of life's wisdom that the father may know.

Of course, I am neither married nor have a child; who am I to comment on this? Silly.

But, I must say here that I appreciate my friend's candidness and frankness with me. Him, he could speak right into my heart no matter how much the truth may hurts. He is a friend in deed to me as well for the little things he had done for me. Though due to the busy schedule and things of the world, we have drifted apart. (Or, maybe my pessimism has caused the drift)

He still is my best friend; and, it has been my honor and privilege to be his and Clara's best man for their wedding.

Thank you

2009-02-02T02:04:00.001-08:00

Yeah, I understand most of you are concerned. Well, sunshine and yellow as I may seem, deep down is so grey and hay. But, I am alright dear friends and appreciate all your little encouragements that meant a great deal to me.

I have reckoned that life has her shares of hard knocks, and I received them all. I must say though that I still have the scars and bruises to bear testimony to the harshness of life herself. I am no longer young, and has seen enough of life's bitterness. Frankly, I appreciate now as to why a friend commented that she wishes for nothing except that life is shorter.

Down and beaten I may be, I am just taking one more breath, not to fight another day but to bear another day of what life may graciously give to me.

Lion Dance

2009-01-31T01:25:00.000-08:00

The lion dancers are here again; but somehow the rhythm of the drums makes one unsettled.

You may say that lion dance's drumming is no music. But anything with a rhythm and tempo, and key, is music. And, music is something magical; it transcends mere communication to touch the soul and the heart. When you listen to music, it is never something skin-deep. It speaks to you of the heart of the music and the players.

Now, this lion dance, the drumming makes one unsettled and down beat. Perhaps, the commercialisation of the lion dance troupes during the Chinese New Year has make one vulgar and carnal. When the drumming is supposed to make one upbeat and lifted.

Valentine's Card afterthoughts

2009-01-31T01:10:00.000-08:00

I have a pleasant surprise - a Valentine's card that wishes me a soul mate, a sweetheart this year. Well then, may Cupid does his duty for me.

Frankly, I am bit tired and worn. It is true; wishes do come true! When I was a kid, I wished to be a grown up soon; no school work, no mean teachers, no Mr Lui, no projects, no exams, and grown up means having money too. Now, looking back, how foolish have I been. Troubles grow leaps and bounds and follow you as you aged. How I wish that time travel is a reality as Einstein propositioned! Then, I could turn back the hands of clock to my carefree existence!

Tired of hurting the people that I grown fond of and closed to. It is amazing what love is. It is both sweet and bitter. Bitter, because sometimes the harder you tried loving a person, it backfired in ways unimaginable. Lao Tzu was right when he proposed that in letting matters run its own course, without strife and struggles, it is the right thing to do. But being the person I am, I cannot stand being too laid-back and passive. I guess I probably need to grasp the truth in what the ancient Sage said.

Cupid, when you should strike the arrow at me, please make sure I have by then the ability to love and care for the person. There is no point in dragging that person down with me in my struggles for life. I have made foolish choices, and now reaping what I have sown. But, life has been gracious too in her own ways. I may not have much, but I have.

So, Cupid, before you strike, make me ready. It is tough and hurtful to hurt another soul, especially a soul mate.

Appreciating my Jie Meis'

2009-01-30T06:30:00.000-08:00

Just had my first Shabu Shabu at my Jie Mei's place. Not bad indeed, just want to appreciate all their advices, encouragements and all the gossips. Of course, I am not so SAN PA... they will testify on it.

It is the little flowers along the way that sometimes cheers one a long, long way :)

Tired, struggling, broken and dusty

2009-01-28T16:31:00.000-08:00

So, met up with them... my primary school friends I mean.

But, couldn't help but feel abit helpless at state of things in my life. I am not as successful in terms of career as them; I am still a struggling ant climbing the steep steps of the corporate world. And not just a struggling ant, a tired ant that is going through the motions.

In terms of relationship, I am still single and at my age, I could have been left on the shelf, dusty and broken.

Yeah, so that sums it up.. I am tired, struggling, broken and very much dusty.

Melvin

2009-01-28T00:05:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I am meeting Melvin, a long lost primary school friend who's, at least what I supposed, is doing not bad in the States with Singapore Technologies. Woe, look at me, I am so lost in the sea of life.

Just a wabbling of words

2009-01-28T00:03:00.000-08:00

Lost, helplessness, confused,
Dying, hope-less,
Shut up into oblivion of the masses

To be buried in the sands of Time
Where no remembrance ever made.

Fragility of Life

2009-01-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

The fragility of living, of life.

We had recently heard of the collapse of the government in Iceland (due to the policies in midst of the economic crisis that the world has yet seen since the Great Depression). But to my knowledge, Iceland was once surveyed to be the place where her people has a high rate of happiness in the world. What has become of it is not what I am going to discuss here.

Rather, the essence why they were the happiest people in the world, where happiness and merry making is the hay of the day. Well, Iceland as we know is settled on a geological volatile place. Anytime, the place may collapse into geothermal disaster. Thus, the people living there, not many, about 320,000, knows that that at anytime, or anyplace in Iceland may mean the end of their days. They thus live each day as if it is their very last, well at least most of them.

Knowing that the next moment is your last day on earth, you cannot help but live each day the best you can. It is not just working hard or playing hard; it is making each second counts. When you know the fragility of life, you will not ever, ever wanton your life away like there's tomorrow.

Happiness - a work in progress?

2009-01-27T16:27:00.000-08:00

Perhaps, happiness is not a destination; not a place you can call The state of mind. It is work in progress towards fulfillment, towards meaning, towards utopia.

Trust Vs Envy

2009-01-27T01:34:00.000-08:00

Trust and envy is indeed in co-relation to happiness. With trust, there is assurance which leads to happiness. But, with envy, it disrupts the peace in the mind, and fear and strife sets in. But, isn't it said that trust or faith is the basis of love?

So, could love be linked with happiness? I know that when there is trust, love between two people can be intensified and grow. Love with trust allows one to have faith in the hands of the elders. Love is such a powerful thing that forces the darkness, envy and fear out of the room.

Eclipse of 26th Jan 2009

2009-01-26T01:01:00.000-08:00

There is an eclipse today (first day of the Lunar New Year).. to the people in the ancient past, an eclipse or comet is a symbol of great disaster looming, a symbol of bad luck. Well, we have started 2009 with a spate of bad news like the economic crisis the world has yet to faced since the Great Depression. All these despite we knowing that eclipse is just an astronomical phenomenon.

What will this eclipse speak of? ...

Longevity, Wealth and Happiness

2009-01-26T00:48:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reading a book, "The Geography of Happiness" by Eric Weiner.

Not that I am here to surmise the book, I realised that happiness is perhaps not so much on a geographical, possessions or even physical sense. Happiness perhaps is a state of well-being that you know within that all is well, or at least will turn out just right. I have always been fascinated by this word, 'Happiness'.

The Chinese have mythological figures which represents longevity, wealth and happiness. Well, to some people, the idea of immortality fascinates them. For instance, the first Emperor of China, Shi Huang Di, he was so obsessed by the notion that he got all the alchemists to find the elixir of immortality and even sent hundreds of virgin girls to a far away land to seek the immortals. But all these failed when he died probably due to mercury poison at the age of fifty. Anyway, who wants a long life, when there is so much suffering and pain in this world? Not me, at least.

Wealth. Of course, wealth can buy us material things, pleasures and a momentary happiness. But wealth, to me, is a means to an end and not the other way around. The root of all evil is not money, it is the love of money for so the Bible says.

Now, happiness, that is the real deal! For happiness transcends immortality, wealth and material things. I may have a short life; but if I have lived a meaningful and happy life, that to me is IT! Of course, we need a bit of money to do that. Haha, Singapore has made me such a pragmatic person!

I am on my way, seeking happiness.

Muted

2009-01-24T01:22:00.000-08:00

Trying as I may to write my thoughts, it is as if my hands were muted.

The nonchalant of my heart

2009-01-21T06:32:00.000-08:00

It's been three days and I have not been able to express the things in my heart and mind. It's locked and the key cannot be found.